As a clinical psychologist and family therapist, I’ve spent years working closely with families, parents, and teens — helping them navigate the often stormy waters of adolescence. I’m also a mum to two young girls, ages 6 and 4, so while I may not be parenting teens just yet, I fully understand the emotional rollercoaster that comes with raising children. Parenting is full of surprises, and the teen years can feel like an entirely new chapter — one that asks us to show up differently, listen more deeply, and connect more intentionally. If you have a teen or are preparing for those years ahead, you might already know that parenting teens can sometimes feel like you’re speaking different languages. The constant power struggles, the eye-rolls, the “I don’t care” attitude — it’s exhausting and sometimes heartbreaking. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
One of the most helpful books I’ve found in my clinical practice (and would recommend to every parent) is How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Their approach is all about respectful, empathetic communication that really works. Here are some practical tips I often share with parents — and practice myself — to build stronger connections with our teens.
1. Listen First – Event When It’s Tough
When your teen is upset or acting out, it’s natural to want to jump in with advice, solutions, or even consequences. But more often than not, what they really need is to feel heard. Think about it — when you’re feeling misunderstood, the last thing you want is someone telling you what to do. You’re more likely to shut down, get defensive, or push back. Teens are no different.
Instead of reacting, try pausing and simply reflecting what you hear. A calm, empathetic response like, “It sounds like you’re really upset about this,” can defuse tension and help your teen feel emotionally safe. It might seem small, but it’s often the first step toward more meaningful, respectful communication.
And remember — not all teens are ready to talk face-to-face right away. Some find it easier to express themselves through a note, a message, or even a voice text. If your teen is shutting down in conversation, consider writing them a short, supportive message like, “I noticed you seemed upset earlier — I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” Giving them space to respond on their own terms can reduce pressure and show that you respect their emotional pace. Communication doesn’t always have to be immediate — it just needs to stay open.
2. Acknowledge Feelings Without Rushing to Fix
As parents, our instinct is often to protect our children from pain or discomfort — to jump in, solve the problem, or make it go away. But when it comes to teens, one of the most powerful gifts we can offer is simply to be with them in their feelings without trying to fix them right away. Saying something like, “I can see that this is really frustrating for you,” helps your teen feel seen and heard. This kind of emotional validation builds trust, lowers defensiveness, and communicates that their inner world matters.
Once the intensity of the moment has passed and your teen feels calmer, that’s when you can gently shift into brainstorming mode. You might say, “Would you like to figure out some ways to make this better together?” Problem-solving works best when teens feel emotionally supported first — not corrected. This approach nurtures their emotional intelligence, strengthens your relationship, and teaches them that difficult feelings are not something to avoid, but something to move through with support and confidence.
3. Describe the Problem, Don’t Label the Teen
It’s tempting to label behaviour as “lazy,” “rude,” or “unmotivated,” but these words often create defensiveness. Instead, focus on specific actions and your feelings about them. For example, “When your homework is left undone, I worry about how stressed you might feel later.” This invites problem-solving without blame. By separating the behaviour from the person, you remind your teen that you see them as capable, not defined by their mistakes. It’s a simple shift, but one that can build trust and reduce power struggles over time.
4. Offer Choices Within Limits
Teens crave independence — it’s a natural and healthy part of their development. But they also need boundaries, structure, and connection, even if they don’t always show it. In fact, research and clinical experience consistently show that while teens may push back against rules, they often feel safer and more loved when they know someone is paying attention and cares enough to set limits. Offering choices within those boundaries is a powerful way to respect their growing autonomy while still guiding them. For example, you might say, “You can text me when you get there or give me a quick call — which do you prefer?” This kind of choice gives them some control over how they stay in touch, while reinforcing the why: because you care. It’s a gentle but effective way to stay connected without being controlling — and to send the message that their independence doesn’t mean disconnection.
5. Use Humour to Lighten the Mood
Sometimes, when tensions rise, a little humour can go a long way. The teen years can be full of eye-rolls, dramatic sighs, and moments of miscommunication — and while it’s easy to take it all seriously, laughter can be a powerful connector.
Humour, when used with warmth and respect, can signal to your teen that you’re on their side — not just an authority figure, but a human being who remembers what it’s like to be overwhelmed, moody, or just not in the mood to clean. It softens the edges of conflict and reminds everyone that this is a phase, not a permanent battle. Shared laughter can help repair moments of friction, build emotional safety, and make the relationship feel more equal and connected. In short, humour nurtures closeness — and sometimes, it’s just what both of you need.
6. Problem-Solve Together
Instead of dictating rules, invite your teen to be part of the process. Asking questions like, “What do you think is a fair curfew on weekends?” opens the door to mutual respect and responsibility. This collaborative approach not only reduces power struggles and rebellion but also helps teens feel heard and respected — both of which are essential for emotional development and self-regulation.
At the same time, it’s important to remember that rules and curfews aren’t just about control — they’re about safety. Teens are still developing the brain capacity for long-term thinking and impulse control, and they rely on adults to provide external structure while they build those internal skills. Setting limits together sends a powerful message: “I trust you enough to include you in the decision, and I care enough to keep you safe.” When teens are involved in shaping the boundaries, they’re more likely to respect them — not just out of obedience, but because they understand the “why” behind them.
7. Express Your Feelings Calmly
One of the most effective ways to connect with your teen — even in difficult moments — is to express your feelings without blame or emotional escalation. Instead of launching into criticism or commands, try using “I” statements like: “I feel worried when you don’t answer your phone at night.” This helps your teen hear your concern without feeling attacked or shamed, which keeps the lines of communication open.
Just as important as what you say is how you say it. Teens are highly sensitive to tone and emotional intensity. When a parent is visibly angry, anxious, or overwhelmed, it can trigger a defensive or shut-down response in the teen. Staying calm and emotionally contained — even if you’re upset — shows emotional maturity and models the kind of self-regulation we want our teens to learn. It tells them, “I can handle my emotions, and I’m here to help you handle yours too.” In moments of tension, your calm presence is more powerful than any lecture. It builds safety, trust, and the chance for real connection.
Why These Tips Matter
From my years as a therapist, I’ve seen these strategies transform parent-teen relationships. When teens feel respected and heard, they’re more likely to listen and engage positively. It’s not about winning battles but building bridges — creating a space where your teen feels safe to grow, make mistakes, and come back to you for support.
A Personal Note
Even as a professional, parenting isn’t easy! With two young daughters, I’m already thinking about how to apply these lessons as they grow. What I’ve learned is that empathy and patience are key — and that our relationship with our kids is the most powerful tool we have.
If you’re struggling with communication or feeling stuck, remember: small changes in how we talk can make a huge difference. If you want to learn more or need support, don’t hesitate to reach out.
You’re not alone on this journey. And yes — this challenging time will pass.
The teenage years may be intense, but they’re also beautiful. They offer us a unique chance to witness our children becoming who they are. With compassion, curiosity, and connection, we can walk beside them as they grow.
Charlene
Clinical Psychologist and Family Therapist
